BBQ & Custer - Washita Battlefield Nat'l Historic Site 11/27/10

The Cales are a curious lot indeed. We're often too lazy to walk to the kitchen to get a can of soda, yet we'll drive 1,200 miles to some isolated dirt patch because a now obscure - deservingly so, most likely - historical figure may or may not have taken a nap in the vicinity. We'll scale the heights of lonesome road absurdity before the sun makes its morning appearance, yet scream obscenities if asked to get to work in a timely fashion. Such is the nature of an obsession. Fortunately, Washita Battlefield National Historic Site is sufficently important to warrant a trip to Cheyenne, Oklahoma (pop. 750 if we're feeling generous), though we're happy to report that we'd go even if George Armstrong Custer merely coughed while passing through.

Ah, but our good Lt. Col. did more than cough at Washita; labeled a "battlefield" and not a massacre site for no good reason whatsoever, unless, of course, white people wanted yet another opportunity to forget that the land they inhabit was made possible through trickery, deceit, and a good deal of violence. On November 27, 1868, Custer led the 7th U.S. Cavalry to the campsite of Chief Black Kettle and a village of peaceful, retiring Cheyenne. Not one to turn down the opportunity to slaughter sleeping women and children, Custer moved ahead, killing approximately 30 to 60 Cheyenne, pausing only to inspect the winter wind's damage to his precious locks. At least he learned from Sand Creek and took hostages this time around.

So yes, we spent our Thanksgiving weekend hauling our bloated frames through a killing field. Pass the turkey! And yet, it's a somber, necessary visit; a final piece to the puzzle of the Indian Wars that speaks well of no one, and justifiably swells our hearts with disgust and regret. The NPS is decidedly on the side of the victims at Washita, which would not have been possible as recent as a half-century ago. The striking visitor center - completed in 2007 to ensure that the battle no longer be commemorated in some dusty closet in the town's bingo hall - helps provide much-needed perspective, a task made easier through the inclusion of a well-mounted 27-minute film. For once, the park service has done it right, as we're used to archaic slide shows where the narrator is some long-dead Congressman or "topical" figures like Burgess Meredith. Amazing what a little money and hard work can do to bring the past alive.

But as the passport stamp is, well, the real reason for the trip, we wasted little time pushing an old native to the ground as he blocked access to the cancellation station with his collection of wares. Yeah, it was a dickish move, but I'll blame the spirit of Custer for that one, and apologize to the ancestors in the car. Having secured both the stamp and magnet, we made our way to the trailhead down the road. Fortunately, the NPS provides detailed maps of the site, and each stop provides context, troop placement, and strategy (which amounts to little more than, "fire at the people in their beds"). At one of the early stops (the entire walk is 1.5 miles, which is short, but might as well be the Boston Marathon for us fatties), someone had dropped a whole mess of corn kernels without explanation. We suspect it was a tribute to the murdered Cheyenne woman Corn Stalk, but as we've seen used condoms on Civil War battlefields, we can't jump to any real conclusions.

The wind was brisk but never intrusive, and the Washita River provided a break in the unending, yet beautifully shifting grassland. Brooke read, I filmed, and as we neared the end, we came face to face with an especially disturbing tale, even for what amounts to a graveyard: the systematic destruction of 800 horses. Based on the theory of total war (and the kind of humiliation meant to drive Native Americans to reservations), U.S. troops slit dozens of horse throats before discovering that bullets were more efficient. It proved to be a tragic, brutal waste, but in light of the bigger picture, some would say that to mourn here would miss the point. I would argue the exact opposite. Anyone who could kill unoffending animals in this manner is more than capable of stripping a people of its pride and culture. One follows the other like night follows day.

What, then, is a sweaty couple to do after spending the afternoon wallowing in sadness and death? Why, enjoy small town BBQ, of course! A short mile or so from the battlefield sat A Taste of the West, one of those hole-in-the-wall restaurants that isn't above tossing aside its No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service sign lest it alienate the customers. These are grizzled, hardened folk, and don't get me started on the restaurant's owners. Sporting wrinkles that would make Georgia O'Keeffe look like a plastic Cher by comparison, these Blue Hair bitties were short on service (does one need to wait 1/2 hour for a freakin' menu?), but long on damn good food. The pulled pork was heavenly, the cole slaw just as mouth-watering, and who could turn away from close-by conversation revolving around farm equipment? We fell instantly in love, more so when one of the fossils informed us of her former home in Grand Junction. Fortunately, we didn't have to explain why we came all this way to relive an event most of us would rather forget. As she bid us adieu, our stomachs bursting with delicious swine, we turned back towards Washita once more. Yeah, we suck, and our past often appears little more than an unending parade of exploitation, but the site's very existence - and acknowledgment of error - points us towards hope. Tyrants reinvent and erase their crimes; here, we're willing to accept the condemnation.

FINAL RATING

7/10

Side Dish - Cadillac Ranch & The Big Texan - Amarillo's Roadside America 11/27/10

Arizona Bound!!! Ummmm.......

Okay, so plans got a little changed over the Thanksgiving holiday. As we were driving down to our first night's hotel, the prospect of being on the road at 6:00am and driving 720 miles freaked Matt out to the point of terror, so as we so often do, we switched venues while on the road.

A trip to Texas and the Panhandle of Oklahoma may not sound like Nirvana, but it definitely has its highlights. Roadside America holds a huge part of our hearts.....with the prospect of a 700 pound groundhog or a statue of Felix the Cat in Podunk, USA....a side trip must be made. Amarillo, Texas holds the distinction of having two grand-daddies of Cheeseville Roadside stops - The Big Texan Restaurant and Cadillac Ranch. Both were visited with bells on......

Cadillac Ranch, in a field off I-40 (and I mean right off....literally, you drive past it while driving west of Amarillo) draws tens of thousands of fans each year with one goal in mind - to deface as much property as is legally possible. The draw of these 10 Cadillac shells is the prospect of bringing your own spray paint can and spraying literally anything on the bases of the cars. Sound fun??? Well - I suppose to a 15 year old, it is heaven on Earth. To us - it was a spectacle to be experienced.

Off the frontage road, there will inevitably be a dozen cars (a few with Grandma still inside - the prospect of walking onto a field rife with cow patties did NOT amuse the two old women I saw passing up the opportunity.)

We strode past the gate, and spent the next 100 yds dodging cow poop the size of dinner platters. (Brooke made the same mistake of wearing the ankle-breaking Chinese silk flats and was cringing the entire walk - Have you heard of the Internet Blogger 'The Pioneer Woman??? You know the one - she who left the city for a life on an Oklahoma ranch?? - Well - She is a DAMN fool.....This one field had me kissing the ground of the first Starbucks I walked past afterward)

The first site witnessed was not the number of people weaving their way around the Caddy shells, but the site of literally dozens of empty spray paint cans festering the entire site. Apparently trash cans are forbidden here and the graffiti "artists" spray until they are out, then chuck the can as far as can be thrown.....right into the cow pasture. Sorry, Bessie......

As we approached the site, I heard the following conversation "NO MAN!! PUT "SAN DIEGO" ON IT! WE GOTTA REPRESENT!!".......Uh Huh.......Represent your bad-boy self. Why didn't we get some paint cans ourselves?? "THORNTON, CO" would have looked SO bad-ass on there, dontcha think??

Oddly enough, the colorful cars represent a strange beauty tucked away in the field....I am at a loss to explain it, but some people really take their time marking the cars up, only to have their work no doubt covered up the next day by someone wanting to "represent".

And when all was said and done, and the spray paint fumes overcoming us at every turn we realized that even cow turds aren't safe here from the spray cans.....

After that appetizing sight......it was time to EAT!!!

If you are a fan of Route 66 sites, as we are.......one restaurant stands head and shoulders above the rest. "The Big Texan" is an Amarillo institution, and a must-see destination for "Mother Road" enthusiasts. We had seen videos and saw a brochure in our hotel advertising "FREE Limo Rides to the restaurant", and started salivating.....Limo Rides???? WOW!!! This place is the creme de la creme if they have limos coming to pick you up......We, however decided to make the short trek ourselves.

The Parking Lot promised an evening of cheesy goodness.....the motel beckoned us with the promise of 4-star luxury....<ahem>

and the limos????? Try 1976 welded Buicks with Longhorns glued to the front....But STILL!!!

Inside was a paradise of huge chairs to take your picture in (HARDY-HAR-HAR!!), a fudge stand, gift shop (of which we picked up an armadillo to continue our America Kitsch shelf we currently have going in our living room -) 

Then - <insert angels music here> SLOT MACHINES!!!! Wow - Lets put a $5 in before dinner! $2 in......and then I read the sign - "All play is strictly for amusement only". WTF???? Yeah - I'm amused.....and $5 lighter in the wallet.

Matt gave the 72oz challenge a thought, but the prospect of paying $79.95 when the meal was left unfinished was too much to bear. We both ordered filet mignon......Matt was served filet, and Brooke was served a piece of shoe leather. $19.95 for a re-enactment of Charlie Chaplin's "The Gold Rush" dinner....Yum.

But - it is the experience that counts (So do the calories of the Snickers bar I had to eat after the meal to fill my stomach after the shoe and the glued together potato salad). We bid adieu, but only after Brooke spent more money on a non working shooting gallery gun.

Matt, however fared better.......

Amarillo - thank you for embracing the Cheddar goodness of Roadside America.....We do love you for it.

Side Dish - Titan Missile Museum - Sahuarita, AZ

Since we are one day from driving an insane number of miles over a 4 day weekend back to Tucson, AZ to once again, right previous wrongs, this Side Dish was in good order. On our original trip to Arizona in May of 2009, we were not yet obsessed by passport stamps, so we looked for interesting off-road attractions along the way.

In the small town of Sahuarita, AZ, just south of Tucson lies a hidden gem in Roadside America, and a serious piece of history at that. The Titan Missile Museum provides a welcome respite from the desert expanse and offers a glimpse into 1980's America and the paranoia of the Cold War.

Behind a retirement community and a strip mall, lies underground a missile with the ability to obliterate a small country. The museum itself seems dated, much like time froze in the 1980's (want some canned water from the 1950's Nuclear Fallout scares?? Don't drink it though....it'll kill you now...or MRE packets of dehydrated beef stew and lemon meringue pie - the Gift Shop is your place).

In this place, lionizing Reagan is the on the daily To-Do list EVERYDAY. Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity would have a difficult time hiding their erections here.

A volunteer, approximately 142 years old met us in the screening room where he proceeded to tell us how Millard Fillmore played a mean game of Strip Poker that we had to wear hard hats throughout our tour underground. The temps hovered around 102 degrees outside, so the hat was a welcome shield.

The first stop on the tour allows you to view the missile silo from above ground and takes you through the casings and story of the site itself. As hard as you are trying to listen to the guide, the only thing I could think of was what they told us when we went outside...that the temp underground was 72 degrees. Every end of a sentence left me saying "PleaseletusbegoinginsidePleaseletusbegoinginside". The Arizona sun is definitely not a friend of mine.

Alas the time came when we were ushered down the silo stairs with the stories of breaches of security, secret passwords and all things "WarGames".

(This guy is definitely giving me the "Stop, Loser....I'm trying to remain incognito even though I'm on holiday with my mom" Look)

Once inside - the tour was fascinating...to stand inside the control room where the fate of the world could have rested was humbling. I desperately wanted to play "Wargames" myself and be the one that turned the key in the demonstration, but alas.....an old woman was picked and immediately started reminiscing about the rotary phone, and the picture of the Gipper on the wall. Chicks.......

Then through the corridor where the shock absorbers would render an earthquake of 8.0 undetectable (Where was this room when I cried myself to sleep at night waiting for the "Big One" to happen in Southern California??), we came upon the silo itself where the missile lies -

Visitors can not enter the actual silo, but it is really not necessary. The Gravity of the relic you are looking at is not diminished whatsoever. However - for people like our friend, Grandpa here - you can see mannequins approximating getting the missile ready to fly. Grandpa for one - is thrilled as you can tell.

All in all - the Titan Missile Museum is a worthy Roadside Attraction in the Southwest and is highly recommended to anyone headed in its direction. The ability to feel as though you have stepped back in time is always worth the price of admission.....

Amazement, Awe & Ankles - Grand Teton National Park - Sep 3rd, 2010

"Pssssst......Pass it on - Jenny Lake is a bitch".

 This might be the subject of a third grade game of "Telephone" in most circles, but in mine??? Jenny Lake HAS to be a person, not a place because no mere place could be so cruel to someone on vacation.

But I digress....To the magic first......

This entry could essentially write itself with one word - WOOOOOOOWWWWW. No place in our travels, made us utter this single exclamation more in a shorter period of time. One hears of the Tetons described as "majestic", "awe-inspiring" "glorious" and the like. The Cale's live at 666 Pessimistic Place so we approach all superlatives cautiously.

With sky a lovely blue and only fleeting clouds framing each peak, we were, for few times in our travels rendered almost speechless. All the pictures, postcards and television specials could not prepare for seeing the jagged peaks of the Tetons in person.

September was the suggested month to visit the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone due to the diminished crowds departing to send the kids back to school, we ditched the Telluride Film Festival (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

"Karma"???
"Bad Karma, Party of two"??????

Okay - I'll admit it......we made up a story about a dead grandmother to get us out of the festival and postpone the tickets to next year to go to Yellowstone. Surely Grandma wouldn't reach out from the grave and smack me down for besmirching her name, would she??

Uh-huh. Grandma and Jenny Lake are apparently BFF's......and they are pissed.

Walking by the first lake, smelling the pine trees, seeing the reflection of the peaks on the water left us amazed. There are no words:

Boat rides????? There are boat rides in the Tetons?? Drive on, Jeeves.....Along the way, the scenery unbelievably improved with each turn of the road.

Upon approaching Jenny Lake (which is far smaller, than one would believe), we proudly paid our $10 each to ferry across the Lake to Cascade Canyon for a view of a waterfall.

The jaunt over was lovely and relaxing. But upon exiting the boat, a small dock with stairs leading up to the trailhead was all that was before us. The sound of the waterfall could be heard through the trees, so Chinese silk flats be damned.......we were hiking our way to the top.

The trail got worse and worse as it climbed through the trees. Exposed boulders, hidden rock shards and uneven footing proved tough going. Thinking about our next day trip to Yellowstone National Park and chatting back and forth as we climbed was making us giddy.......coupling this day with the promise of tomorrow was just too much to......

SNAP

"Down Goes Frazier! Down Goes Frazier!!"

Brooke hit a rock the wrong way and her "made for hiking" silk flats and Kate Spade purse went down with a TKO. The snap was audible enough for a woman to immediately rush to her side with water saying "Oh Gawd...I heard that".

Somehow I hobbled down the mountain with Matt's arm around my shoulders...Visions of missed Yellowstone opportunities danced in my head and the chant of "YOU RUINED YELLOWSTONE!!!" being thrown at me for years to come by Matt. I decided to suck it up.

What was unknown at the time was that I completely tore the TibioTalur Ligament in my ankle, and am forever barred from wearing heels due to the lack of stability now that the ligament is gone.

"Pssssst....Pass it on....Sorry, Grandma........"

In general, Grand Teton National Park proved to be everything we expected (and didn't expect for that matter) and more. Jackson Hole, WY (the town) was a bit disappointing however....Being yearly sojourners to Telluride, CO, we expected Jackson to eclipse the tiny town. Sadly - this did not come to pass. The hotel we stayed in however - perfection. The Hotel Terra in Teton Village was luxurious and came equipped with a jacuzzi tub - a nice way to soak the ankle at the end of the day.

When all was said and done, our trip to the Tetons was shorter than we would have liked as every plan for the rest of the day was scrapped. We had planned to rent a wheelchair at Yellowstone if I couldn't walk throughout the park....but THAT is a story for another day......

FINAL RATING

Grand Teton National Park - 10/10