Side Dish: Royal Gorge Bridge and Park 7/16/11

The minute you start to think the economy is beyond repair and a new Great Depression imminent, you find yourself at a place like the Royal Gorge Bridge and Park in Canon City, Colorado, and wonder if the good times haven't returned at last. This is a place where the money flows as if whipped directly from a basement printing press, with no shortage of temptations from the entrance to the final stop. After plunking down a healthy $25 per person to even get in, you are given few opportunities to keep your wallet closed, from the gift shops to unhealthy snack stands that inhabit every square inch not actually the bridge itself. And with all the standing in line that awaits, you had better keep a fresh supply of food and drink at the ready, lest you pass out in the upper 90-degree July heat. Yes, Royal Gorge is a virtual whorehouse of tacky tourism, with the only real miracle that they haven't yet found a way to charge you for parking. But wait! They do have a $15 valet service available, which might be a good idea if you are one of the unlucky ones to find a tight spot miles away from the ticket booth.

What to do first? After posing for the obnoxious photographer who will ask you to spend who knows how much on a photo you could have taken yourself, the best bet is the Incline Railway which, as a sign gleefully reminds you, is included in the admission price. Thank god for that. Billed as "one of the world's steepest incline railways," this version chugs down 1,550 feet to the canyon floor, all at a 100% grade and 45-degree angle. It pushes you down at a whopping 3mph, and takes about 5.5 minutes each way. The short trip is a blessing, of course, given that the tram better resembles a cattle car, with 4-5 poor saps squeezed into each separate section. Curiously, a person can only see forward, as the geniuses of design have seen fit to deny passengers a look at the sky, or even much to the side. Looking forward does little, you know, when a bulging hulk of a tourist is standing right in front of you, and such tight quarters also prevent any kind of peek at the canyon and river below until you are right on top of it. We may as well have been taken down in an air and light-deprived tube.

Once down, you are free to get off and take a closer look at the Arkansas River, but you don't want to spend too much time wandering about, as you have to get back in line once again for the return journey to the top. The waiting game was a bit less this time, but no less cramped and defined by screeching babies and obnoxious wee ones. At least we had the graffiti to read, and a closet-like bathroom right in front of our noses. The incline behind us, we went to the bridge itself, which is an impressive sight, given its features: 1,270 feet long, 18 feet wide, and standing 956 feet above the river below. It was completed in November 1929 at a cost of $350,000, which is exactly how much the park now sells in cotton candy any given hour. People, dogs, and yes, even cars, now flow across the bridge like locusts before a corn harvest, and depending on the wind, it can be a dizzying strut to the other side. Of course, one needs to take a few looks over the side (hello, rafters), and don't be alarmed if your first thought is to wonder if anyone has ever jumped to his or her doom.

Next up, a little food. Given the lack of steakhouses or top seafood selections, we went straight to a place on the other side that, if memory serves, was simply called "Restaurant." Beware of any dining establishment that lacks an actual name, but we were hungry beyond reason, and happily accepted the BBQ joint before us. Though cheap ($19 for two combos), the brisket was more fat than meat, and while the potato salad was pretty decent, the jury's still out on whether or not it will send us to the hospital. No longer grouchy, we decided to walk back to the other side of the bridge and return via the Aerial Tram, which an hour earlier had been too crowded. Our legs aching from their unusual encounter with actual movement, we pushed up a few hills and waited for the next car to arrive.

The tram, relatively brisk at 11.4mph, looked pretty rickety from my vantage point, but the thing had been running since 1968 without incident, so why not spend the two minutes to get across the gorge? While the views are a bit better than the incline railway, the comfort level was decidedly worse, as three dozen souls were packed aboard with nary an inch to spare. I was all but pressed against the glass, with breathing merely optional. Before I could exhale, the ride was over, and I could not be blamed for wondering if waiting 1/2 hour for a half-second of compromised views was ever going to be worth it. So again, more walking (downhill this time, at least) until we reached the Royal Rush Skycoaster, which was not part of the admission price. Just as well, as not even a cold day in hell would bring about my participation. I owed myself, sure, but also the canyon below, which did not deserve to receive the contents of my cheap lunch so late in the day. Built in 2003, the Sky Coaster delivers speeds up to 50mph for 1-3 harnessed maniacs willing to pay a fortune to be whisked high above the river below. Sure, I felt like a weak little infant when I saw kids under 13 making the leap, but I doubt the young and vigorous are at risk for crapping their pants in public.

At long last, it made sense to wrap up the day with a magic show, with Christian Augustine displaying his talents a short walk away at the Plaza Theatre. Billed as a "Las Vegas entertainer featured on MTV and the Discovery Channel", Augustine (and his waif of an assistant) spent all of 15 minutes dazzling the packed house, though the standard tricks were impressive in their own way. I mean, can you make a banana disappear in a scarf? Or make a woman float before your very eyes? Sure, Christian is there to steal your wallet - it's no accident that he spent more time telling people about the high-priced gags and gifts in the lobby than on actual magic - but wasting cash on crap is why we come to a place like this, is it not?

Though unseen by us, visitors can also take trail rides with the Watt Mule Company, stare at unhappy animals in the Wapiti Western Wildlife Park, or spin around the Antique Replica Carousel, which appeared to be throwing kids aside with a blistering fury. And it goes without saying that there's a petting zoo, though I've always heard that these creatures are usually sick, depressed, and ready to spit on daffy tourists without warning. Not this time. We'd had a full day, were a bit stiff, but no worse for the wear, and even gave in to the spirit of the place by purchasing a shitty blue bell to commemorate our visit. The Royal Gorge Bridge and Park had been seen at last. Now here's hoping we don't soon see that potato salad.