Chaos in the Black Hills: Mount Rushmore Nat'l Memorial 7/3/10

Make no mistake: Gutzon Borglum's Black Hills masterpiece, Mount Rushmore National Memorial, is a stunning sight to behold. Coming after a long and lesiurely drive through some truly spectacular country, the memorial is, all at once, grander and more majestic than one could ever imagine. Like so many jewels in the NPS crown, mere photos do not do it justice, and it's one of those life essentials, even if, for some, it's "just" some presidential heads in a mountainside that was doing just fine on its own. Sure, few of man's endeavors could ever hope to improve upon nature, but if we're going to carve and blast away South Dakota granite, let it be of four unimpeachable historical figures. Well, make that three.....and that bastard Jefferson.

Beyond the glorious sight of man's need to alter the landscape to pay tribute to his heroes, Mount Rushmore is a mess. An infested, near-panic inducing circus that combines the traffic of the Super Bowl with the bloated atmosphere of a state fair. Before one even reaches the site, there are cars - a whole shitload of cars. Cars to the left, cars to the right, and cars so thick and teeming that one could very well imagine a full day's wait before being allowed inside. It's the expected peril of an American icon, sure, but at any point during the unendurable, one is tempted to gun the engine and head back to the hotel. "Here's a picture...it's just as good." Memorize that line if you ever lose your sanity and bring kids to this loony bin. Because you ain't ever getting in. At least not while they're awake.

Okay, so you finally pull into the parking complex (and drop two or three hundred dollars for the privilege), find a spot, and walk to the visitor center. Needless to say, it's as small as the site's bathrooms, as the precious real estate is reserved for the true driver of this engine - commerce. There's a restaurant, ice cream shop, knick-knack emporium, and so many souvenir stands that ill-fitting t-shirts threaten to take over the joint. The above picture, the "flag walk" for all 50 states, inevitably causes a jam of musty tourist flesh, as everyone with a clicking camera wants to be immortalized in front of their beloved home. Save your lasting gazes for the end, as you're bound to trip over Mr. Arkansas or Ms. Ohio at any point. One can walk a trail to get even closer to the mountain, but from all appearances, it's time for a hot dog. Why spoil the party?

One can, however, drive around the memorial (getting out is, thankfully, less of a battle) and park to the side of George Washington. It's an altogether different view, and equally stunning, if only to provide perspective. These heads are truly massive, and yes, it was worth the fourteen years it took to create them. For a contrast, one can also visit the Crazy Horse Memorial down the road, which has been a work-in-progress since Mr. Horse was himself a teenager. It's still not even close to complete, but the site still charges a small fortune to look up at what is clearly visible from the road. Rumor has it their museum has some killer blankets, so maybe it is worth the cash that would otherwise be blown in Deadwood.

Don't let the commercials and brochures fool you - South Dakota is much, much more than this single memorial. It is deserving of its fame and breathless charm, but don't let it seduce you into forgetting Wind Cave or the Mammoth Site in Hot Springs. One wonders why it's a memorial and not say, a simple National Monument, because it speaks not to tragedy, pain, or even loss, simply the triumph of the American vision - the god-given right to steal Indian land and reshape it after our own image. But no tears: it was worth it, and apologies are for sissies. Sure, the actual Charles E. Rushmore was just some New York attorney who likely defended the right of corporations to work underpaid immigrants to death in sweltering factories, but he's blameless in the end. This is what we do, and dammit, we do it well. And pass the deep fried Twinkie.

FINAL RATING

Mount Rushmore: 8/10

The people looking at Mount Rushmore: 0/10