Elk Penis of the Plains: Chimney Rock Nat'l Historic Site 1/29/11

It's the place so nice, we had to go twice. Or at least include on our one-nighter back to Nebraska to get a few pictures, stamps, and magnets that we foolishly ignored back in June of 2009 when we were new to the obsession. Few people have cause to visit the Cornhusker state once in a lifetime, let alone three in a little under two years, but here we are again, only a few short months after we drove the length of the damn state in pursuit of a National Monument that was rumored not to be worth a crap. It was, thankfully, as is the odd beauty of Chimney Rock National Historic Site, located 3.5 miles southwest of Bayard, NE, as if that would mean anything. It's not near anything of note, save the additional stamping mecca of Scottsbluff, though one can see it for miles and miles, much like the original trekkers who braved the elements to reach greener pastures. That it jets up from the prairie floor like a middle finger to its surrounding bleakness is the whole of its appeal, even if it's eroding at the sort of clip that will make it unavailable to people you don't now know because they'll first appear on the scene long after you're dead.

You'll notice that the above sign, snapped as the late-January sun faded into twilight, refers to the Nebraska State Historical Society. While this is a joint venture with the NPS - and had been declared a National Historic Site back in 1956 - the state of Nebraska runs the show, meaning that while there is a stamp available for the passport book, your Annual Pass is only good for a modest discount. So instead of a freebie, I had to part with $4 for two admissions, greedily accepted by the Amish-looking gentleman at the counter, who also happened to possess a beard so unruly, it may or may not have hidden a small flock of birds. But hey, why not part with such a paltry sum when it means one can walk out the back door, stride a few feet, and be met with a fence, presumably non-electrified, to keep visitors from getting closer to the rock. Do they fear vandalism? Climbers? Little kids armed with bats? Likely all three, but it's a bit frustrating to deny travelers a walking trail, even if it stopped just shy of the base. So after one stares at the rock for a bit, considers another angle, stares some more, and curses the blocked access, there's little to do but retreat back to the visitor center. Maybe they want us inside so we'll buy more junk.

The Chimney Rock visitor center is decent as far as these things go, and while we skipped the film this time around, we had caught it before, and it's surprisingly worth seeing. The displays nearest the back exit are reasonable, largely because they provide pictures from the past showing how much more dramatic the rock's spire had been. There's also a panel "proving" that yes, Native Americans called the rock "Elk Penis", which only goes to show that white people are usually less imaginative. Even a casual stare bears this out, as yes, it does look more like animal genetalia than some chimney. Not even geology is safe from the prude's censoring hand, it would seem. Still, the rock is of great historical importance, serving as a unique landmark in the push West along the Oregon Trail and, according to the pamphlet, drawing more comments than any other rock formation. For some, it was a break from the endless stretches of tedium, while others saw it as the last gasp before things really got rough. After all, according to the visitor center's numerous displays, the trail, above all else, was little more than endless death. There's a great fixation on disease and freshly dug graves at this site, which is appropriate, if not a little morbid.

The weather, thankfully, was better in 2011 than 2009, as the image below will prove. It is, alas, the only picture we snapped back then, but what else is one to do? Chimney Rock is close enough to other sites to justify a visit, but no one is likely to spend more than a half-hour total here, and that's including the movie, a restroom break, and a second look at the sample headdress. Open up the ground leading to the rock itself, and people may stay beyond the standard long stare. Besides that, one should not expect many more improvements, except of course to offer a greater magnet selection beyond the commemorative quarter variety. I saw a good 2-3 patches on hand, but who in the hell collects patches besides Boy Scouts and bored grandmothers? It still boggles my mind that we've been here twice, with Crater Lake sounding in at a big round zero, but proximity, admittedly, has more to do with it than genuine preference. But look out if a rumor ever surfaces that there's a new bonus stamp on hand. A third time, yes, will be the charm.

Oh yeah....see that sad little stamp from June 20, 2009? It's upside-down for a reason. Yes, that's how Brooke stamped it in our passport book, and it's driven me crazy ever since that day. We've now righted that ship with the latest version, though I'm still bitter. My pain lessens, however, with the knowledge that the picture stamp we got back then is no longer available. Unless that Amish dude is hiding it somewhere.

FINAL RATING

5/10