Hellacious Hoodoos: Bryce Canyon Nat'l Park 5/22/10

No one ever confused erosion for eroticism, but then again, I doubt the most passionate amour could ever hope to compete with the majesty of Bryce Canyon National Park. Love fades, but the hoodoos remain, even though they too will eventually go the way of all natural wonders. For now, and millions of years beyond, these pillars of rock - formed through a process where gullies widen into canyons, fins become exposed to more erosion at their vertical cracks, and freezing water expands within those cracks in winter, peeling off layers and carving out vertical hoodoos - will stand as oddities in the minds of humanity, beautiful in our imaginings, but not at all for our benefit. They existed before us, would exist if we were gone, and our only say in the matter is that, for the time being, we have granted them exalted status within the confines of a national park. It's a good one, too, for one long glimpse at any number of lookouts is bound to leave a man speechless. Like the Grand Canyon, the hoodoos at Bryce have an unreal quality to their puzzling existence, and while we might come to understand how they came to be, our still childish minds will chalk it up to nature's artistic bent.

Utah, for my money the most striking state in the lower 48, has unending eye-candy from every corner, but it's Bryce you'll remember above all else. More specifically, you'll recall the Bryce Amphitheater, a landscape so unique you'll wonder why the hell it took you so long to get here. There are miles of road beyond the Amphitheater, of course, but it's like eating at the Sizzler after dining on filet mignon; take in the best, lock it away, and head out firmly on top. There are four vantage points located here - Sunrise Point, Sunset Point, Inspiration Point, and Bryce Point - and it is Inspiration that truly gets the blood pumping. The climb is steady and steep (a wheezing sound is not out of place), but once there, you'll be tempted to declare that the pinnacle park experience has been reached. It's all there before you - Thors Hammer, Queens Garden, or the Wall of Windows - none of it less than heart-stopping. But why waste words when pictures will do so well?

Fine, the last picture is a cheap shot, and not at all worthy of so glorious a park. I'm the last person who would ever dare compete with a hoodoo, but at some point we have to prove that we were here; not to ourselves, but the millions of readers who will make this blog the toast of the internet. At this point, you might be asking: "Hey you, the guy with the waistline buckling under the pressure.....why not partake of one of many backcountry hiking trails?" Fair enough, but in our defense, numerous sources less flabby than ourselves have asked why one would ever consider such a thing when the best views are safely atop? Who are we to disagree? A hoodoo is one thing that certainly lends truth to the maxim that familiarity breeds contempt. Let them remain distant, aloof, and full of mystery. And to date, no one has ever had to sit for a breather by just looking. Bryce is like a painting, and no one has to break a sweat at an art museum.

It's of special note that President Warren Harding first protected much of this park as a National Monument in 1923. It took additional legislation to get it fully classified as a National Park, but the initial spark should give pause to anyone thinking that Harding was nothing more than poker nights and scandal. Middle America judges a president based on whether or not they'd have a beer with the man, while I base my assessment on their use of the Antiquities Act. What of it?

For those interested in such things, Bryce's visitor center is a decent one, and the informational video better than tolerable (at least they provide a history worth a damn). The stamp was a bit light for our taste, so please, someone send this park a few extra dollars for a top flight ink pad. It's a lonely drive to get here, and sure, there's a general store at the park's entrance that's typically overrun, but put it all aside. It's all about differential erosion. And those wonderfully wacky hoodoos.

FINAL RATING

10/10